In 2010, my sister was living at the Sivananda Yoga Ashram and Retreat in Paradise Island, Bahamas. I had recently moved back to the U.S., having had my heart broken in the U.K. when I was told my PhD research proposal was “original and ground-breaking but not the type of research an institution like Oxford wants to support.” In an effort to heal and create a life for myself stateside in New York City, I participated in and completed a vinyasa yoga teacher training certification. My younger sister had been asking me to come and visit her on the ashram, and when the opportunity to become a certified Thai Yoga bodyworker manifested itself there, and we both registered for it, I knew things were queued to shift.
The courses and trainings there were sublime. Each night, the ashram hosts speakers from around the world, all experts in their various fields of healing, medicine, art, music, and life. I had the unique and rare privilege of being present at the ashram whilst Vianna Stibal, the founder of Thetahealing was teaching a course, and I had the opportunity to listen to her speak for a few nights in a row.
When I saw her, I liked her instantly. The energy she hosts around her is warm, gentle, and full of creator’s love; at the time, I imagined she was perhaps a little out of it, as she smiled long and deeply, and kept her eyes closed for stretches of time while she spoke, which seemed almost silly. I later learned, that she was giving her talks primarily from a theta brainwave, hence the sleepy gentle and soft eyes-closed appearance.
She explained the mechanics of Thetahealing, cracked a number of jokes, and we were all putty in her warm welcoming arms. Who couldn’t appreciate someone so human, so real, and so aware of the light in every single thing who simultaneously seemed to appreciate the humor in things? As she spoke, my heart beat in tune with the words she was saying; simultaneously, I felt the anger and resistance of years of skepticism saying to me “this is nuts!”
Thetahealing is a form of focused thought, meditation or prayer that uses the theta brain wave to facilitate healing through the creator of all that is- the life force, prana, qi, God. It can identify and remove limiting negative beliefs that can lead to dis-ease or imbalance in the body, mind and spirit, and replace those limiting beliefs with positive beliefs and feelings that serve the recipient in the highest and best way thereby allowing shifts in the client’s reality to take place to facilitate healing in different ways.
Vianna spoke about faeries, spirits, and about healing many individuals, including herself of life threatening illnesses using creator’s unconditional love and this technique. I thought, “I want this in my life.”
The talk ended, and I walked outside to my room, and then, I forgot all about it.
A month after I returned from the ashram, a friend of a friend connected me to Andrea; she was doing Deep Emotional Release Bodywork- a type of bodywork designed to access subconscious emotional traumas and fears and release them through a gentle energetic shift. I went to her, as my heart was broken and still partially living in the U.K.. After a few sessions with her, she told me she had become certified as a Thetahealing practitioner the previous weekend, and did I know about this modality, and would I be interested in receiving a healing. I said yes.
My first session with Andrea: she scanned my body and then asked me if I had been having right shoulder trouble since July- I said yes, that since I found out that I would be moving back to the U.S.- since I found out that I would not be pursuing my PhD, I had been struggling with nerve pain in my right shoulder, and I had been having serious trouble feeding my self properly as I had been struggling with depression since that time as well. During our first session, we muscled tested a series of beliefs I held so safely inside my heart I thought no one would ever see them. My body did not understand what it felt like to feed itself and receive proper nutrition for balance.” “My heart is broken.” “I don’t know what it feels like to live my daily life receiving proper nourishment in all its forms.” “I am a failure.” “I am a victim to my depression.” “My emotions control me.” “I am at the mercy of my feelings.” “I hate my mother.” ….
As I said these things out loud, and she muscled tested me, they tested positive. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed of my self, of my body for revealing what was truly inside me, so deeply, that I began to cry. The world suddenly seemed so dark, so full of desperation. All my dark truths and dirty laundry had been aired, and there was no hope.
Andrea asked me, “Amy, would you like to know what it feels like to be nurtured? to have a full and healthy heart, to live your daily life receiving all the nutrition you need? to live without being a victim to your depression, without having your emotions control you, and without being at the mercy of your feelings, to be loved by your mother?” I laughed, surprised. “YES!” I practically shouted amidst the deluge of snot pouring from my nose.
We closed our eyes. She placed her hands under mind, and together, we sat, on her couch, on the upper west side in Manhattan, for what seemed like perhaps seconds, although I am sure it must have been longer. I felt a rush of movement into my body, a shift moving through out every part of me, I saw a bull in a china shop terrorizing everyone, and I was that bull, and suddenly, the bull began to dance gracefully about, knocking no thing over, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. I saw food, and I understood, in every way, how to feed my self. It was not just what food groups to eat and when; it was the universal understanding of nurturing and how to do it, and I laughed out loud, because it was so simple, and yet, I had never known!
After my session with Andrea, my shoulder pain was gone, my depression resolved significantly, and my relationship with food, my body, and the easefulness of feeding myself became more and more of a reality.
I continued working with Andrea for a number of years, and she has facilitated healing for me in many areas of my life for which I am eternally and unconditionally grateful. Her healings ultimately brought me to where I am today.
Last January, I spent the month at the ashram, only this time, I was participating in the month long Sivananda teacher training intensive: a month of continuous direct experience of all facets of yoga, and the experience was profoundly transformative not simply in my teaching technique as a yoga instructor but also my life style has been profoundly affected, and this has caused shifts in my life that have ultimately led me to healing arts as a full time life journey.
During this month, Vianna Stibal was again visiting! Again, she spoke, and I knew, in my heart, that I was going to become a Thetahealer within the year. An ayurvedic doctor at the ashram told me I would be pursuing my true path in energy work by June, and I was a bit hesitant to believe her, but I could not deny that I felt what she said bore some strong truths.
I returned to NYC, transformed from my yoga training, and as I learned to adapt my new practices to my daily life as a teacher, tutor, writer, lover, friend, sister, daughter, my life began to shift. By April- a time during the school year when students that are taking tests, regents exams, exams, and standardized tests- I was completely run down emotionally and physically. With the onset of the world’s season of spring time pollen, I contracted a small cold that refused to leave. I did not give it the opportunity to leave, as I was working long hours and traveling all around the city to accommodate my various careers.
After three weeks, the cold migrated into my ears, and I began to lose my hearing. At first, it was one ear, as if I had gone under water, and never come up, and eventually, it expanded to both ears. My GP exhausted medications and options and eventually referred me to an ENT, who charged my insurance thousands of dollars to blow air into my sinuses and pop my ears. This helped, but unfortunately, I did not have 24/7 access to said sinus air ear popper contraption, so in the long term, it served little purpose. I went on steroids, and these helped only slightly. I turned towards acupuncture, and found some immediate relief within a week. The came the rains of April, and my hearing worsened, and the acupuncture sessions I was receiving only helped during the session and provided no relief outside. As much as I was willing to keep the needles in me 24/7, it would have been very challenging to navigate the NYC streets when people move so quickly and push without a second thought.
I started seeing my friend, Abel, who is a craniosacral therapist and zero balancer, as because of the pressure in my ears, I had developed TMJ. My jaw was so swollen that I was clenching my jaw all hours of the day as a means of compensation. My sessions with Abel were profound, and they alleviated the TMJ very effectively and also helped with improving my hearing. Again, I noticed that my hearing was better immediately afterwards, but a few hours later, it has regressed.
I began to lose hope, and luckily the school year for my courses was ending, but I still could not hear, and I decided to stop teaching yoga for the summer, feeling that if I was not meant to be hearing what was outside of my body, then I better begin paying attention to what was happening INSIDE.
I did the unthinkable. I quit some jobs. I gave up viable sources of income. I paid attention to me. Suddenly, I was not working; I had all this free time to do whatever I wanted. Living off of my savings was scary since my savings were limited, but I felt like I was going to die if I did not stop what I had been doing and change something. Something had to shift.
Around this time, I bought the Basic DNA Thetahealing Book that I had held in my hands at the Barnes and Noble on 86th street on numerous occasions that spring but never felt like it was the right time. It was the right time now. I had nothing to do, no where to be, and since I could not hear very well, and every practice I tried seemed to have only partially worked, the time seemed pretty ideal.
In my back yard, amidst the tomato plants and sunflower stalks, I sat in the hammock reading , and every word made sense. Vianna includes step by step guidelines for the theta practice, and as I practiced, I continued to read. I began to travel into theta every day and feel the calm spread over my body, the joy infect my world.
My sister told me that Vianna had given her a healing once when she first moved to the ashram and was going through drug withdrawal. She said that the effects of the healing on her body were so profound that her withdrawal symptoms vanished, and she was able to participate fully in ashram life immediately.
I read Vianna’s book twice in June, a third time in July. I began identifying negative beliefs and was amazed and excited to facilitate successful healings on my self. I began to notice emotional shifts in my body and my behavior. I was writing again, and feeling, and connecting to the world around me, and I was excited and inspired!
My hearing was still impaired.
After a few sessions in June with Andrea, and an intense liver flush and detox, which continued for about two months after initial flush itself, I felt a strong pull to go visit my father and grand-parents in Cottonwood, Arizona for the 4th of July with my partner, Corey, so we booked tickets. Cottonwood is about 20 miles away from Sedona, an epicenter of energetic activity in the American Southwest. We went on walks and hikes, and enjoyed the quick weekend; I facilitated a healing with my father, who at the time, was in the process a separation with my mother, and my father’s response was positive and profound.
During this respite from NYC, I asked creator why my hearing was not returning, and what I had to do to restore it. The answer I received was, “Write a letter to your mother.” This made sense to me, given my parents’ current relationship status, so I began to write.
As a child and young adult, I prided my self on being present in letter writing. I saved an enormous box full of letters that I received from as early as 4 years old, and only in this past week, have I fully shed the majority of them, opening up space for new things in my life. It is easy for me to write letters, but after about a page of scrawling to my mother, my inspiration dried up, and I had nothing to say to her. To this day, this letter remains unfinished.
I returned home feeling sad that I was leaving my father, that I still had things to do out there. Corey suggested that I return to visit him at the beginning of August, so I planned a road trip with my sister, brother-in-law, and three nephews who were driving from New Jersey to Missouri, where they reside. I would tag along and ride with them, then fly to Phoenix, and then drive a van with my father to Missouri as a gift to my sister and her family from our grand-parents.
Our journey began, and we drove on guru purnima- the hindu holiday that honors one’s teacher- across the U.S. to Missouri. Wedged in the back of the caravan minnivan, next to my adorable nephews, I re-read Thetahealing by Vianna Stibal, and as I went into theta, a sudden awareness, and knowing arrived in me. I asked creator, “Creator, is the mother I am meant to write to my biological mother?” A gentle and patient ring of laughter filled my mind, as I heard, “Of course she isn’t your biological mother, Amy.”
Excited and full of anticipation, I asked, “Well, then what is her name?” Two weeks before- the day after I received creator’s insight to write a letter to my mother to heal my hearing loss, my biological aunt urged me to write letters, to reach out to people in my life I considered my mentors or people I wanted to be my mentors, as a means of transcending the emotional challenges of being an adult and coping with parents in the midst of a confusing separation. I knew that I had to do something if now my aunt was telling me to do it. Funnily enough, I need explicit instructions. Creator telling me through my aunt did not cut it. I I did not have to wait long now, as her name appeared in my mind’s eyes: “Vianna.”
Later the next day, we arrived in Warrensburg, MO, a town credited with coining the phrase, “dog is man’s best friend.” I waited a full week and a half before writing the letter. I was too afraid; “what if all I need to do is write this letter and my hearing returns? What if the impossible is possible? What if I have lost my mind, and now I’m having conversations with my self and am resting comfortably in delusion?” I decided waiting made sense, as I still had to return to Sedona and finish the work I started there with healing my relationship with my father and my reality with them a few weeks earlier.
I spent a week in Sedona, facilitating thetahealing exercises on my self each day, and taking hikes with my father in the different energy vorteces in the early mornings. We walked his lovely dog L.I.T.A- Love is the answer- on red rocks, and felt the movement of earth singing all around us. The first few days of my trip, however, I was violently sick. My body purged it self in an immense detox that left me shaking and feeling as if I had time travelled back in time to a 10 year old version of my self, with images of my father handing me a glass of gingerale with a straw in it. There was something embarrassing and utterly appropriate about my fever-ridden adult body stripping down and shaking under duvets while my father watched tv in the next room always quick to come in an check on me if I made any noise. There was something that spoke of home in this exchange.
On my roadtrip with my father, we drove through northern Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and Oklahoma before we found our way into MO. Our trip started out great, but I had made the mistake of making some requests to creator earlier in the day to help me clean my kidneys, as I felt a lot of congestion from being sick, and somewhere in between the petrified forest and Albequerque, I pooped neon orange worms on the side of a road next to some tumble weed and sage brush while it hailed ice rocks the size of beads on my head right next to a divey bar with a sign that read, “Restrooms are for CUSTOMERS ONLY.”
The next morning, the engine light in the car went on, and neither of us wanted to stop until we got to Missouri. We arrived that night quite late, and it was that night that I wrote Vianna’s letter.
I sat on my nephew’s bed, with a big piece of sketch paper and a silver blue pen, which ran out of ink about six lines deep into the letter. I did not know what to say, so I asked for guidance, and there it was. I explained this story- the one I am explaining to you now, and I told her that I felt that I was ready to learn more from a teacher, and if she could hold some space for me to heal my ears and manifest this reality, I would be eternally grateful. This letter was more than the skeptic in my body could hold- the body of the skeptic- that container was too small for what I was living in in that moment- the reality I was currently in was a reality of the limitless bountiful possibility of anything. I was ready. I was willing.
I kept the letter a few more days until I returned to NYC just to be sure.
My first day back, I walked down the the street towards the mail box. I felt sure, repeating a few mantras as I stepped, acknowledging the sacredness of this experience as much as I could in the sweaty heat of the city summer morning already beckoning my skin to start the never-ending journey of perspiration. Putting the letter into the mail box was easy. I wondered, for a moment, as I held the box open, looking at my letter sitting there, what the next part will be like? I closed the lid, and opened it again, just to check that it had been placed inside, and it was gone.
The noises from the BQE zoomed on my right. The brakes of a car pulling into the Burger King drive-thru creaked in front of me. To my left, a woman was talking on her cell phone about her date the night before. It was so subtle that I almost missed it; the shift from a hiatus from sound to muddled silence and back again was like the cat who always lurked in the corners at family gatherings, and you noticed when he was not present but did not succeed in noticing if he ever returned. I could hear. It was like learning language again, and things sounded funny, louder, clearer. My hearing continued to improve all that day, and by the end of the night, I felt my hearing was almost back to normal. Over the next few days, my hearing continued to improve, and my hearing has fully regained itself.
A week and a half later, one day after my birthday where I asked creator to manifest with me my future career, Ellen Cohen a NY-based Thetahealing Practitioner and instructor, responded to my email of inquiry with a phone call. She had been at the ashram the previous January taking a course with Vianna, and would I like to take the Basic DNA course at the end of the month? The answer was a full bodied YES!
I have since continued my studies with Ellen with the Advanced DNA certification and am heading to Garden City tomorrow morning to take a certification in Manifesting and Abundance. My intention is to serve, and I would like to use this beautiful gift I have been given and share it with any one who is willing and interested, offering Thetahealing consultations and this summer obtaining my certificate to become a teacher of Thetahealing for others, so that anyone may practice Thetahealing. I am so grateful. Turning inward, has revealed me, and now that I no longer have the beliefs to suffer in that way, I think what an honour and humbling experience it would be to facilitate others’ growth into their “impossible realities.” How beautiful to make all of our dreams come true.
Om tat sat.
Lilayoga- divine play of life 